Archive for April, 2008

Hey Jealousy!

April 30, 2008 at 1:33 pm · Filed under cheating, emotional affairs, marriage

I haven’t posted for several days because I’ve been totally introspective and meditating. Ok, not really. I’ve been hiding from my friends and neighbors because jealousy has once again reared it’s ugly head on Hysteria Lane.

If you caught the real Desperate Housewives this week, on Wisteria Lane, Lynette’s husband reacted with jealousy over her relationship with another man, while Lynette kept insisting that “nothing happened”.

Let me give you a clue, Lynette. Despite your insistence that “nothing happened” (I hate that phrase!) obviously something happened or your husband wouldn’t be so crazed with jealousy that he’s throwing bricks through the man’s window and your kids wouldn’t be burning down his restaurant. I mean that’s not how people normally react to friends.

In true ironic fashion, my Catphone has been ringing off the hook with calls from my own friend, Lynette. She’s discovered that, once again, her husband Tom has a “nothing happened, I swear!” friend when she discovered provocative text messages and e-mails he and a coworker have been sending back and forth.

You’d think he would have gotten the message the first time this happened with this woman. Apparently not and she’s ready to toss his crap on the front lawn again.

I begged her not to only because I don’t want him on my couch. Selfish, I know.

Later, Tom came over all upset. Doing his best Bill Clinton imitation, he kept repeating something similar to “I didn’t cheat. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. What I did was like just looking at porn or something, no?”

Um, no, and I think you’re about to get a lesson in what the definition of “is” is…..

What it “is” is an emotional affair!

I tried my best to explain that just because there wasn’t any physical contact, doesn’t mean he didn’t do anything wrong. Lynette is upset about what he did do, not what he didn’t do. He pretended for a long time not to get it. Ok, whatever. Denial is not just a river, I guess. He can look it up. I’m not a freakin’ Public Service Announcement.

The very next day, my Catphone was ringing again from another friend who just wanted to know if I thought that men and women can truly be “just friends”.

Uh oh!

Yes, of course, they can, but I figured there was more to this story, too. Oh, and there was.

He, too, had a “nothing happened” friend that caused his wife’s brown eyes to turn neon green and actually serve him with divorce papers! They did reconcile, but he’s wondering why his wife is upset that he wants to be “just friends” with his former “nothing happened” friend.

Ummm, hello????? Do you hear yourself or am I the only one listening to our conversations?

Neither of these people are stupid or moronic or anything. How can they keep insisting “nothing happened” when their spouses are turning green with jealousy and burning down buildings, throwing their crap on the front lawn or serving them with divorce papers?

Is this truly denial or do you think that the majority of people do not believe they are cheating unless there is physical contact?

I already know what I think. I’m curious to hear what you all have to say!

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It’s A Small World

April 26, 2008 at 5:33 pm · Filed under dating, girlfriend, high school, small world

My son has his first reciprocated crush and it’s very cute. She is a darling and polite little girl and her family invited my son over for dinner the other night.

When I picked him up from her house, I asked him how the evening went.

My son: “It was great! Her dad asked me what my last name was and when I told him, he asked if Mr. JW Rock Chick was my dad and when I said yes, he said he knew him!”

Me: “Really? That’s cool. How does he know Dad?”

My son: “He stole dad’s girlfriend or something.”

WHAT?

This better have happened a long time ago, because if Dad’s had a girlfriend in the last 17 years, there’s going to be an issue!

I have known my husband since 7th grade and know most of the people that he knows, including his past girlfriends. I asked my son what the his little crush’s last name was, but it meant zip to me.

I did, though, have an idea as to who the girlfriend was. I’ve heard the story many times.

When we got home, I told this story to my hubby. Based on the look on his face, I knew I was exactly right about who the stolen girlfriend and the thief were. No matter how much time passes, it’s hard to forgive and forget some things. I totally get that.

In an “oh yeah, I forgot” kind of thing, my son mentioned that the girl’s mother said she also knew Dad from high school….which more than likely meant that I knew her, too. You know, since we went to high school together and all.

This sudden burst of information left my husband and I both wondering if the “stolen girlfriend” was this little girl’s mother!

My son was on the computer instant messaging with her and I asked him to ask her what his mom’s name was.

As it turned out, she wasn’t the stolen girlfriend, but she was someone else that I did know! His mom was one of my choir people in high school!

It is a small world after all!

My son wanted to know if it was ok if he still liked this girl or if it was “too weird” now.

I told him it was ok, but don’t expect Dad to be inviting her dad over for a beer or anything.

Based on the look on hubby’s face, it’s pretty clear that time doesn’t heal all wounds. :)

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Why Won’t The World Stop

April 23, 2008 at 1:33 pm · Filed under stress

Annoying the crap out of me?

Last week I had to write an almost $2,000.00 check to my dentist. You’d think he’d be happy to have earned such a windfall, but instead, he kind of yelled at me.

He said that it was all due to stress and that I need to find a way to relax. I would have to agree. And, of course, I’m stressed because I had to write a $2,000.00 check to the dentist! $2,000.00 is a lot of Bon Jovi tickets!

The problem is that I just can’t seem to find anything that works! It seems like every time I try to do something, it’s getting interrupted by the very annoyances I’m trying to escape!

I declared this past Sunday to be “my day”. I wasn’t going to do anything except things that I liked to do.. listen to music, play my keyboard, write, read, nap and eat chocolate licorice. That’s right. A whole pound of it!

I didn’t expect a whole day, but maybe an hour? I don’t think that’s asking too much.

Did the world even give me an hour? No. One daughter awoke with broken blood vessels in her eye which looked so God awful frightening that I took her to the ER. My favorite ER doctor (that ought to tell you something right there), Dr. Becky, said it just looks gross but not to worry.

Phew!

On our trip back home, I got a call from another daughter who was at work. She hurt her knee and would need a trip to the ER, a knee brace and some crutches, but she’ll be fine.

Phew again!

That is three out of four kids that have been on crutches since January of this year. At least I’ll have an interesting theme for my end of year scrapbook, right? I can decorate it with band-aids or something. Cheaper than stickers from the scrapbook store!

Dr. Becky laughed when we got back to the ER. I didn’t think it was funny at all.

Yesterday, everyone I came in contact with seemed wild and cranky. Which, of course, made me wild and cranky.

I was so stressed out that the hubby and I decided to forego an hour’s sleep just to hang outside, talk and hangout for a while. It’s been so nice and since I’ve been driving around in a stinky minivan, we thought the fresh air and some time spent together would do us both some good in the mood improvement department.

The minute we had our butts planted in the chairs, one of his friggin’ servers at work went out causing a slew of phone calls and text messages that he had to answer because he’s on call 24 freakin’ hours a day! He had to spend more than our alloted hour fixing, rebooting and straightening everything out.

And he’s got a big upgrade to do this weekend, so he’ll be working and there won’t be any time for downtime.

When I can’t find the humor and irony in things, I know headed for trouble. I have got to find a way to kick Murphy and his laws out of my house, but I don’t even know where to start.

Maybe a list is in order! One thing at a time. Any other suggestions?

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Funky Chicken

April 22, 2008 at 1:19 pm · Filed under Nancy Drew, chicken, crazy, dog poop, minivan, stink

Sit down, people. Bad news. The Rock Chick has been vandalized, criminally damaged and odiferously abused.

I told you yesterday that my car stank. Despite odor neutralizing bombs, scrubbing carpets and some lovely lavender Febreeze, I couldn’t unfunk the car. By yesterday at lunchtime, it was unbearable.

I looked under the car, I searched the engine, I even took the seats out of my car in case something had hopped in there and died entrapped in one of the seat mechanisms.

Nothing! What the funk?

I did get a clue when I was removing the rear seats. My gagging reflex informed me that the smell was much more concentrated in the back of the van. However, I still couldn’t find anything!

I opened the compartment that holds my jack in the rear of the van and OMG, I literally almost keeled over, but I found it.

What? What was it, Rock Chick? What did you find?

I found a paper lunch bag containing what appeared to be rotting chicken and dog droppings. At least I am hoping they were dog droppings because I don’t even want to think about people poops in a lunch bag in my car.

I almost lost my lunch. I had found me a stinkbomb!

What kind of psycho would do something like this and why on earth would they do that to me?

I know, I know, lock your car doors, Rock Chick. I know. Sigh.

Was this targeted? Does the chicken and the poop combo mean something? Is someone trying a roundabout way to call me a “chicken shit”?

I try to go out of my way not to annoy people and I can’t think of anyone I might have angered enough to do this, unless…maybe it was the very creepy man from the convenient store.

On Friday night, I stopped at the store to pick up a case of beer for our first springtime neighborhood bonfire and some guy was in line behind me flirting like mad. Understandable, I was looking pretty cute that day.

He asked me if I was having a party and I said “Oh, just a little thing with the neighbors”. He said he felt chemistry with me. (Great!) and he wanted me to invite him and was pretty persistent. I said no, “just a little get together with close friends”, smiled (that was my mistake) and put my beer on the counter to pay.

He took out a Sharpie and wrote his phone number on my beer box just in case I changed my mind.

I won’t, weirdo, so feel free to make other plans, ok?

Maybe he didn’t like that I rejected his advances? Maybe he followed me and I didn’t notice?

Or maybe the stinkbomber is my neighbor, Crazy Eddie. A few years ago, he had convinced himself that I was in love with him and when I told him to get lost, he went beserk and showed up banging on our front door late at night.

My husband reiterated the “get lost” message or he’d soon have a bullet in his butt (similar to my Catboot heel) but he came back the next day with an apology note written on a lunch bag.

I haven’t seen Crazy Eddie since a SWAT team removed him from his house a while back, but his car is back. Could it be?

Who knows? All I know is that I seem to be unable to completely remove the funky chicken shit stink from my car, so I’m going to have to take it to a professional.

The real Nancy Drew never had to solve these kinds of cases.

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New World Odor

April 21, 2008 at 1:05 pm · Filed under minivan, smells

Any car people out there?

I’m having an issue. My car stinks. No, not because it’s a Kia.

I mean it REALLY stinks!

All of a sudden, the inside of my van smells like the Easter Bunny might have binged on too many Cadbury Eggs, puked and and then crawled under a seat and died, oh, maybe a week ago.

I don’t see any animal corpses, nor does anything in the engine smell or appear to be leaking. It doesn’t get worse when the engine is on and it doesn’t smell like maple syrup or rotting eggs, which I know are warning signs that something is wrong with your car.

It smells like a blend of chocolate, vomit and death and it’s only inside the car. You can’t smell it from the outside.

I took everything out of the van and sniffed everywhere, unable to pinpoint any specific location of the odor. I wiped everything down with Windex and upholstery cleaner and left the windows and doors open to let the car air out in the spring breeze.

It still stank, so I let an odor neutralizing fog bomb off in my car. It worked like magic when a squirrel crawled into the hubby’s car engine and died.

Now my car kind of smells like a Valentine’s Day Massacre or something… flowers, chocolate, vomit and the morgue.

It’s really quite unpleasant. Do I need a mechanic or a detailer? Any ideas?

Other than sticking cigarette butts up my nose while I drive, of course.

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Rocket Man

April 21, 2008 at 4:32 am · Filed under Forrest Gump, running, track

In my last post, I bragged about the kids. I’m entitled to do that…It’s my blog and I’m the mom!

Anyway, I told you about my son’s upcoming first track meet and how I was sure he was going to “rattle” the competition. I was wrong. He didn’t rattle anybody. That’s far too mild of a word.

He smoked them!

My son always has been a quick little thing, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to try out for track. He didn’t know if he’d be good enough. I gave him my best mama movie line “Life is like a box of chocolates. You don’t know what you’re gonna get until you take a bite” and he decided to give it a try.

I don’t know what that kid ate for lunch, but he looked like he was powered by rocket fuel or something. Check it out! My son is in the blue shirt crossing the finish line well before his two opponents.

I was so happy for him when the race was over I almost fell off the bleachers doing my cheer dance and shouting “Run, Forrest, Run!” He didn’t like that so much, but the mom next to me thought it was hysterical.

Yes sir, that’s my baby!

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Shake, Rattle and Roll!

April 18, 2008 at 1:12 pm · Filed under band camp, birthday, earthquake, scholarship, track

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Cat’s In The Cradle

April 16, 2008 at 1:35 pm · Filed under Chicago, cougar, police, roscoe village, school shooting

Except it wasn’t in a cradle, a cage or its natural habitat. It was in an alley in a residential neighborhood.

You know I love animals. I really do. I’ve adopted and given homes to many animals throughout my life and it breaks my heart to see all those animals who need loving homes in adoption shelters. I wish I could take them all.

When I see lost dogs in my neighborhood, I stop and try to reunite them with their family. When I see a baby bunny nest dug up from an animal, I try my best to find it and put them back.

Ok, I wasn’t happy about the huge snarling raccoon that was living in my bushes, but I didn’t harm it or try to poison it or anything else because I never felt that it posed any risk to me, my family or any of my neighbors. If it did, that would have been another story.

On Monday evening, Chicago police officers shot and killed a 150 pound COUGAR that was roaming the streets in a neighborhood of Chicago known as Roscoe Village, which is relatively close to Chicago’s Wrigley Field and oh, I’d say 10 or so miles, give or take a few, from the downtown area. The city has not stopped buzzing about it since.

Animal rights activists are in an uproar and the police are defending their actions.

From what I understand, this is only the second reported sighting of a cougar in Illinois in something like forever, or at least since someone has been keeping track of this information. Needless to say, cougars, at least the feline kind, are not readily found on the streets of Chicago. There’s probably not a whole lot of police policy for “encountering a cougar” in the Chicago police manuals. These are what you call, unusual circumstances.

Police did locate the cat in an alley in a residential area. Officers began getting on the PA systems ordering everyone to stay inside their homes. The animal was a block away from an elementary school and was fired upon when, within it’s leaping capabilities, it charged an officer.

I wasn’t there, but it sounds like it was a split second decision to start shooting when a police officer felt he had no other choice. Understandable, in my opinion, when a 150 lb. cougar is within leaping distance.

I’m assuming that there was just no time to wait for Animal Control to arrive. I don’t know, I wasn’t there.

I’m guessing neither were any of these outraged animal rights activists or maybe they could have done something differently.

Regardless, the debate over this issue is taking over the TV and radio airwaves and as an animal lover, it’s very sad to see an animal shot like that, but come on, people. The safety of humans has to come first.

Why wasn’t it tranquilized? Well, probably because police don’t carry animal tranquilizer guns. Where was Animal Control? I don’t know, but even if they were around the corner, if a 150 lb. cougar is charging an officer, I don’t think we should expect the officer to wait for them to arrive.

Why didn’t the officer taser the cougar? What happens when you taser a cougar? Maybe it would just anger it and then what? I don’t know. I would wager a bet that the Chicago Police Officer probably had no idea either and if he felt his life and the safety of others was in immediate danger, I would hope he wouldn’t take the time to stop and think about it.

My point is that there is not a whole lot of time to decide these things when they happen.

If police had waited and the animal killed or injured someone, they’d be criticized for not shooting it if they had the chance.

Yes, it’s an unfortunate situation. The animal was completely out of its natural surroundings and no one wants to see an animal shot like that. My opinion is that this could have resulted in the loss of human lives and the officers did what they thought was necessary in that split second.

It’s time to move on.

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One Way Or Another

April 15, 2008 at 1:17 pm · Filed under x365

I’m starting to think I’m a terrible person.

I’ve taken on the X365 Project. Basically, you are to write a post a day using only the number of words in your age to describe people who have touched your life. I started another blog for this project and I currently just posted Person #15.

Sounds simple enough, right? Well, I’m finding writing with only 41 (my age) words to be fairly easy to do, but I’m having real trouble compiling a list of 365 people who I have actually met and remember their names that have touched my life, good or bad.

To me, this means they’ve had an impact on me one way or another. I’ve been thinking, pondering, looking at old pictures and yearbooks and currently only have a list of about 150. I’m not even halfway there.

I’m also spending too much time wondering how many people on my list would include me on their list. Maybe my problem is that I personally haven’t made the effort to touch the lives of many people? I don’t know!

I can certainly compile a list of 365 people I’ve met and remember their names throughout my life. Honestly, I don’t feel that a lot of those people have actually influenced, inspired or irritated me in any way. I may like or dislike them, but as far as their impacting my life, I just feel indifferent about them.

On the flip side, there are people that I’ve never actually met in person, but who have been a great inspiration to me.

The more I try to come up with a list of people, the more I realize that I rarely let anyone’s actions or ideas sway my behavior, goals or dreams.

If I’ve wanted to know something, I don’t wait for someone to teach me, I get busy with a books and the internet and I teach myself.

I don’t wait for people to do things with me, if I want to go somewhere or experience something, I’m normally perfectly happy to go by myself.

I rarely go to anyone for advice and I’m really not swayed by what other people are doing or think that I should or shouldn’t be doing.

I am my own person, I guess. I am my own thinker and am very independent.

What do you think? I am almost 42 years old and grew up and live in a large city. I have had to come into contact with thousands or people in that time span.

Do you think it’s odd that I’m having trouble coming up with a list of 365 people that have affected my life in one way or another?

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So Long, Farewell

April 15, 2008 at 2:11 am · Filed under Chris Daughtry, Toilet Tattoos, TwoDaLoo, toilet

Auf weidersehen, adieu!

Believe me, I am thrilled that I have very close relationships with quite a few people, butt if any of them ever asked me to share this seat next to them…


I’d only have one thing to say…. à tout à l’heure!

In French, this means “see you later!”, although it’s probably more recognizable by its American mispronunciation …“toodleloo”.

Now that we have that straight, please allow me to introduce the above pictured “TwoDaLoo” (LOVE the name, not the concept), the world’s first (and last, I’m guessing) simultaneous flush two seater toilet. There is an individual flush option so if you can’t find a potty pal, you can still use it. No worries.

You can even get it with a privacy wall complete with LCD television and iPod docking stations for only….gasp….$1400.00! Really! It’s true. I wouldn’t shit ya!

I don’t even have to try it and I can tell you this isn’t the product for me. I think if I were forced to doodle-loo alongside someone else like this, I’d be hightailing it out of there ASAP, not hanging out scanning cable channels.

Apparently, everyone whose anyone (except Bon Jovi) is getting in on this wacky bathroom stuff. Here is Chris Daughtry posing with his autographed “toilet tattoo”.

Toilet Tattoos are the new craze in toilet decorating. Thank goodness! I was getting so bored with plain and carpeted as my only toilet seat options, but I just didn’t know what else to do!

Toilet Tattoos are reusable and stick to the toilet seat with static electricity or something and the good news is,for only $9.95, you can now have crap both inside and outside your toilet.

OK, doody calls! Gotta pick up a kid. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go, right?

Toodleloo! Just please don’t TwoDaLoo.

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