Archive for May, 2008

Feel The Noise (Thursday Thirteen #39)

May 29, 2008 at 1:31 pm · Filed under Rocky Horror, Thursday Thirteen, rude

Last night I went to what was supposed to be a fun performance by the Fine Arts students at the Junior High School.

All of the students in band, music, drama and art display their talents in various forms and short performances throughout the school. Normally, this is a very cool thing, but this year, they decided to hold this event outside.

The kids were so unruly and rude that I’m wondering if they’ve ever been taught any manners at all. There really wasn’t enough room for the amount of people in that area and there was nowhere to put your lawn chair without having one leg on a rock causing you to tip over.

I went there anticipating enjoying some great music, but all I could do was feel the noise. The kids were Wild and Untamed Things. It was no quiet riot. It was a rocky horror show.

Today is Thursday Thirteen….and here’s mine….
Thirteen THINGS I WANTED TO SAY TO THESE KIDS LAST NIGHT

1. When someone is performing, especially in a windy courtyard with an acoustic guitar, please don’t make noise. If I wanted to hear screaming, screeching teenagers, I would have stayed at home.

2. When the conductor stops the performance and asks you to be quiet, saying “sorry” and then giving her the finger behind her back is not acceptable.

3. The lawn is not a garbage can. Dammit, Janet, pick up your crap!

4. Pushing and shoving other children is bad. Pushing them into the performers is exceptionally bad.

5. Yelling “Hey, sweet thang” and gyrating your pelvis is not appropriate behavior for 7th graders. Make You A Man? Hardly.

6. Unless you are a teen of the 80’s and stuck in a Time Warp, “The F Word” really isn’t an adjective, you know. It’s a verb. If you incorrectly use it six times per sentence, it loses it’s ooomph when you really need it.

7. When you see someone trying to videotape their child’s performance, please do not jump in front of the camera and act like a baboon or any other animal.

8. Do not touch other people’s things without asking first. This includes my stuff.

9. The reason you are so cold is because you aren’t completely dressed. You are a child, not Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Cover up the boobs, butts and bellybuttons and put some clothes on.

10. HOT PATOOTIE! Before throwing a cup of red juice into a crowd with the intent of “only hitting one person”, learn some physics. Upon impact, the energy will disperse and you will have splatter. I was wearing my new capri pants! Bless My Soul.

11. Do not use physical force in an attempt to steal someone’s winning raffle ticket.

12. Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a Touch me! Ummmmm, hello junior hoochie mama, get your hand off my son’s ass! Until further notice, his theme song is “Keep Your Hands To Yourself”. Thank you very much.

13. And in the true spirit of Rocky Horror, please don’t talk with your mouth full, even if it is only popcorn. Not only is it gross, it’s dangerous. You could choke.

That’s all. I’m Going Home!

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License To Drive

May 28, 2008 at 6:53 pm · Filed under colors, driver's license, shapes, written test

Just in case you were worried… feel free to relax. I am once again a licensed driver in the State of Illinois. This isn’t my license (obviously! I’m much better looking than Mr. Sample here!), but this is the new design. It actually looks pretty cool!


So, yes, I went back to The Secretary of State’s Office, sat sideways in the discriminatory right handed desk once again and successfully passed my written test with flying shapes…errr, colors!

Actually, even better than flying colors. My score this time was 100%.

Now THAT’S more like the Rock Chick. My sanity is returning.

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Shapes Of Insanity

May 27, 2008 at 11:09 pm · Filed under Pop Culture Dish, colors, driver's license, married with children, secretary of state, signs, trivia

Ok. It’s official. What I’ve been fearing has finally come true. I have lost my mind. I now close my eyes and envision shapes of insanity and they look like this.


My driver’s license expired on my birthday last week. I know, I know, you’re supposed to renew it before it expires, but I just told you, I lost my mind.

This afternoon I went to the lovely Secretary of State facilities with the oh, so friendly (cough, cough, gag) people and confessed that my license had expired a few days ago. It was no problem, they assured me, and I should just get in line. Of course.

When they finally called my number, the lady at the counter told me that I would have to take a written exam to renew my license. Because it had expired? No, because of the whole ticket fiasco I told you about last year in my I Want You To Want Me post.

I did get a ticket, but a conviction was entered before they even gave me a court date because, you know, they are soooo busy that they can’t always process the return envelopes within the 30 day allowed time span. Welcome to Chicago and Crook (opps, Cook) County.

Ok, whatever. I’ve been driving for 26 years with only one traffic ticket and a handful of accidents. The majority, of which, were not my fault. I can do the written test.

I was directed to an area with school type desks (made for right handers) and you had to answer the questions using the red pen tied to the side of the table. I might want to add that it was tied to the right side of the table and the string wasn’t very long. I am left handed so I had to do a quarter turn to my right and write on the little arm of the table just to use the darn pen.

Come to think of it, it’s amazing that I even made it through school being discriminated against like this! What if I suffered from some potentially serious neck or back strain injury trying to write like this? I should probably sue somebody.

Anyway, I answered like 30 multiple choice driving questions easy as pie. Piece of cake! And then I turned the page to find 17 shapes without words on them and I was supposed to indicate what these shapes mean.

Yes, I did know the stop and the yield sign shapes, but the other ones? Not all of them. When I see those signs on the road, they have words or pictures on them. That’s what I pay attention to, not the darn shape or color of a sign.

Good God. I made my best guesses and took it back up to Mr. Older Than Moses for my score. I got all of the multiple choice questions correct, but I missed two too many signs, prompting him to mutter “sorry” and hand me a copy of “Rules of the Road”.

Sorry? I. Failed. The. Test.

I have never failed a test in my life! I was a terrific student in school, sailed through my ACT and SAT exams and score in the top 2% of all human beings on an IQ test and I know I knew this when I was 16… the last time I had to take a written driver’s test.

I feel like Kelly Bundy without the boobs. Check out this episode of Married With Children episode where Kelly was competing on a game show and could only hold a certain amount of facts in her head before she was full. Once she reached that point, any new facts added to her brain would blast out something she already knew.

I guess all of the wisdom I’ve accumulated in my 42 years has erased the meanings of the shapes of the signs on the road from my mind.

This is bad news for me because I’ve always done pretty well with my memory games all things trivial. My friend Malcolm hosts a weekly trivia contest that I love to play. I do fairly well on his quizzes, but today I really wish that I was able to recall the shapes of insanity, instead of Fred Sanford’s deceased wife’s name or Patricia Reichardt’s nickname.

You should go take Malcolm’s Trivia Quiz, and I will retake my written test tomorrow..you know, so I actually have a driver’s license.

Move over, Al. Psycho Dad is being replaced with Psycho Mom. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

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It’s Not Easy Being Green

May 27, 2008 at 1:39 pm · Filed under Olive Garden, green, iPod Touch, memorial day, news, parades

Did you all have a nice Memorial Day weekend? I sure did! I finally got some very much needed fun and relaxing time with the extra day off!

I went rock chicking a bit on Saturday, sipped tequila sunrises and danced the night away. I had never had a tequila sunrise and wow, are they delicious! Too delicious maybe. I had a wee bit of a headache when I woke up on Sunday morning :)

But by Sunday night we were back in party mode. We went out to dinner with the entire extended family to celebrate Oldest Daughter’s, the hubby’s and my birthdays. The company was great, but let me just say this, I hate Olive Garden. It’s probably not entirely Olive Garden’s fault (except for the fact that I think they have terrible service in general), because I really don’t care for Italian food and pasta, but how can a restaurant that offers such mouthwatering salad and breadsticks have such terrible tasting entrees?

I don’t get it.

We all got great gifts, but Oldest Daughter got something that is making me green with envy! She got the iPod Touch and wow, is that thing cool! I’m a bit of a techno geek regarding these things and every time I see hers, I want it. I keep reminding myself that I have a perfectly good iPod Video. That darned green eyed monster!

We also went to Hysteria Lane’s season opener bonfire at Tom and Lynette’s house. Lynette and I have been talking about going more green and earth friendly and we compared notes about what we’ve done so far. So far, I am ahead.

I’ve changed all my light bulbs to the compact fluorescent bulbs and I’ve purchased reusable shopping bags so I can turn down the plastic bags at the grocery stores. Now, if I can only remember to bring them with me all the time! I’ve also been trying to work on my recycling better. I haven’t always been so good with that and I’m still tempted to just toss things I know can be recycled in the trash, but now I’m catching myself.

These green things are easy to be and can really make a difference! I’m ready to give the green light to implementing more green ideas!

We also finalized the plans for my new front porch (going up this weekend) and for the landscaping ideas. My current lawn is in bad condition and I’ve been trying to green it up to no avail. I’ll keep trying. I have also picked out the greenery for the other side of the house. I can’t wait until it’s done! It’s going to look so nice!

We finished up the weekend with a little BBQ and a Memorial Day Parade. My daughter’s Marching Band was in the parade and we got a very cool surprise last night. As hubby and I were winding down the weekend by watching the evening news to find out if we should wear shorts or parkas (hey, this is Chicago) today, they showed a news clip of the parade and there was my cute as a button daughter, fluting away and marching right there on our big screen! (which, of course, turned the other kids green)

Now, if I could only figure out how to get my grass as green as my eyes over that iPod Touch I’d be totally happy.

You’re right Kermit, it’s not always easy being green.

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Out Of This World

May 26, 2008 at 7:51 am · Filed under Discovery Channel, Phoenix Mars Mission, photos, space, telescope

In my first ever poll here at Life is RANTastic, I asked my readers to vote on what they think of my new digs and 70% said they loved it! That’s just out of this world groovy, baby and good enough for me!

Do people actually visit blogs anymore or does everyone use a reader? I refuse to use a reader. People put a lot of effort into their blog templates and I think they deserve to be visited. Just my opinion :)

Speaking of out of this world, I was watching the coverage of the landing of the Phoenix Mars Mission on The Discovery Channel Website. It’s unbelievable to me that they can send a probe like that to another planet and have it not only arrive intact, but within fifteen minutes or so of landing, NASA was receiving images being taken by Phoenix.

Phoenix’s mission, from what I understand, is to do some studies on the climate and geology of the Red Planet and to determine if there was ever life on Mars. I think they do this by determining if there was ever water there since all life forms on earth require H2O.

As an amateur summertime star gazer, I think about this quite a bit while I’m scanning the universe with my telescope or my astronomy binoculars. I believe there are other life forms out there. I just don’t know that we’d recognize them right now even if we found them. Life on earth may require water, but who knows there isn’t life elsewhere that requires methane gas.

I don’t know. I’m sure nobody knows, but I think it’s incredible to see the images that come back from these probes and missions they send out there and just imagine the things out there we haven’t even discovered yet.

While I was looking through the Phoenix photos, I discovered this beauty taken sometime last week.


Isn’t it spectacular? It’s a flare from a star called EV Lacertae, which is actually one of the closest stars to us. It’s awesome to see what those little blips of light I’m trying to focus in my telescope (never successfully, of course!) actually look like and what they do! To me, it’s just out of this world!

So, I pose my next poll question. How interested are you in these outer space missions?

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Black And White In A Grey World

May 23, 2008 at 1:38 pm · Filed under black and white, book, color, grey's anatomy

Did you watch the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy? A little off the wall, but that’s Grey’s and the story line was much more reminiscent of the original episodes where things actually happen, instead of the characters just whining and sleeping with each other.

Whining is acceptable if it’s a stepping stone, but if you’re so stuck in sour grapes that your feet are turning permanently purple, it’s time to break free from the vines of vino loco and take a look at the rest of the vineyard.

“The Big Picture” was the theme for the Grey’s finale last night. Meredith broke free from her misguided images of her mother’s suicide attempt years ago by realizing that her mother, the extraordinary surgeon, wouldn’t have slit her wrists if she really wanted to die, she would have cut her carotid artery. Ok, that works, but I thought my Meredith realization guess was better.

I thought Meredith should have realized that if her mother really wanted to die, Meredith wouldn’t be tangled up in the gruesome images simply because she wouldn’t have been there in the first place. She was her mother’s safety net, but Meredith can’t see the big picture because she’s not seeing the whole movie, she’s stuck rewinding a few horrific frames over and over.

That’s how I would have written it, but hey, I’m no big time Hollywood writer.

This finale came at the right time for me. I admit that lately, the fast forward button on the VCR in my mind hasn’t been working right. I’ve been stuck with rewind, playing over and over scenes from my life that I much rather not watch repeatedly, and for some reason, I can’t just turn the TV off.

Thanks to Meredith and Dr. Bailey, I realized that I’m not yet seeing “the big picture” of these events. I’m still watching them as individual episodes in black and white instead of into a full feature film in living color. I need to break free from the vines that tangle me up and find my yellow brick road.

To put it a little less metaphorically, I need to get off my ass.

I told you all a while back that I want to take the leap from blog entries to an actual book with a fabulous cover. I’m not going to give away my topic, but I’ve been struggling trying to write about it because if I make a little move in any direction, the vines that entangle me tighten and cut into me a bit and it hurts.

But, I can sit still, do nothing and be stuck watching black and white reruns or I can bandage up a few scratches and face my lions and tigers and bears.

I may not be a Hollywood writer, but I am the writer and director of my own movie. I can influence the outcome and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

While this work happens behind the scenes, we will continue with our regularly scheduled RANTastic programming.

Oh, my!

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Nothing But A Number (Thursday Thirteen #38)

May 22, 2008 at 5:17 am · Filed under Thursday Thirteen, birthday

Blow up the balloons and bring out the cake! (Chocolate, please!)

There’s a birthday girl..errr, woman, in the house! Who? ME!

I am 42 years old today. It ain’t nothing but a number, though, because I don’t feel my age, or any age for that matter anymore. I just feel like me.
Rock Chicky RANTastic!

Today is Thursday Thirteen…and here’s mine…

Thirteen REASONS I FEEL OLDER AND YOUNGER THAN MY ACTUAL AGE

1. OLDER: I was surgically menopaused at age 29. Monthly woes seem a lifetime ago away and I’m already so far past hot flashes and night sweats that it seems like kid stuff to me.

2. YOUNGER: I love fashion trends and always want to wear the newest and coolest stuff. I’m not what anyone would call “curvy” and I don’t fit in women’s sized clothing. The best fit for me is in the Junior’s Department and I have to watch myself that I’m not wearing the same things as my teenaged daughters or they might collapse and just die. We certainly wouldn’t want that to happen!

3. OLDER: My hair has been noticeably gray since I was 26. I’ve been coloring for so long that I don’t even know what my natural color is. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s gray!

4. YOUNGER: I love the music my kids listen to and I have to be careful when I’m driving a van full of their friends home because when I hear “Apple Bottoms Jeans…Boots With The Fur”, I start dancing. Their friends think it’s a riot, but my kids get mortified. I know they’ll appreciate my quirkiness when they’re older ;)

5. OLDER: I see lots of people my age just having babies or lugging around toddlers. My 4 kids are teenagers. In fact, my oldest was 17 yesterday and is about to be a senior in high school. Baby strollers and Barney have officially been swapped out for driver’s licenses and being allowed into “R” rated movies.

6. YOUNGER: I’m more of a screw the PTA meetings, I’d much rather go dance to a bar band until I fall over kind of person. I really don’t care all that much if they celebrate the letter “P” day in Kindergarten with pretzels or popsicles. Either way is fine. No need for a meeting in my opinion on that subject.

7. OLDER: Because of my TMJ issues, I’m usually experiencing some kind of pain in my jaw, neck or shoulder. When I moan about it and use Ben-Gay, I feel and smell like I’m about 100.

8. YOUNGER: I am crazy about technology and I was told by my daughter that I am the only mom she knows who regularly sends text messages. Sooooo kewl ;)

9. OLDER: I freak out when I see those crows feet and dark circles around my eyes. Halle Berry, who is only a few months younger than I am, just had her first baby and doesn’t have crow’s feet and circles!

10: YOUNGER: I actually prefer listening to my teenagers and their friends gossip rather than hearing people my age groan about their mortgages or gas prices.

11. OLDER: Because I no longer have hormones of my own, my joints sometimes ache. Especially in different weather conditions. I feel older than my years when I can predict rain because my fingers or knees tell me so.

12. and 13. OLDER AND YOUNGER: A lot of my friends are experiencing mid-life crisis issues, especially over menopause and not having any more children. Do we get rid of the crib and the maternity clothes? Been there done that so long ago, it’s like old news.

And while a lot of my friends are experiencing mid-life crisis issues, in my mind, I feel no different than I did in my 20’s. I don’t feel as though I’m middle aged or even getting older. Only better, right? :)

Happy Birthday To Me!

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Running On Empty

May 21, 2008 at 8:16 am · Filed under Freegan, dumpster diving, squatters, urban foraging, voluntary joblessness

I’ve been a little tired lately. Anxious to get home last night, I noticed that I wasn’t the only thing running on empty. I stopped to fill up my tank and not only did I get gas, I got nauseous.

Chicago was recently given the “Highest Gas Prices In The Country” award and I know this little sign here is a joke, but it might has well have read that at my gas station. $4.25 for a gallon of gas? WTF indeed!

Like everyone else, I’ve been looking for ways to save some money. My bloggy buddy, Jessica Morris, always has some great money saving tips. She even can walk out of a CVS pharmacy with all kinds of stuff for like 12 cents. I haven’t quit figured out how to do that yet, but she is my idol for deals and steals!

One of our biggest household expenses is food. My husband and I both have healthy appetites and with four teenagers in the house, you can imagine what my grocery cart(s) look like every week. I once almost scared a former co-worker out of having children when I showed him my grocery receipt. It’s true!

Anyway, last night on the news, the anchors were taunting us to stay tuned with “an unusual way to save money on your grocery bill”. Very Interested, I watched until the segment came on.

It was about people called “Freegans”. I had never heard of Freegans before, but according to their website:
Freegans are people who employ alternative strategies for living based on limited participation in the conventional economy and minimal consumption of resources. Freegans embrace community, generosity, social concern, freedom, cooperation, and sharing in opposition to a society based on materialism, moral apathy, competition, conformity, and greed.

Uh huh. In plain English, this means they search through garbage dumpsters looking for “good food” that people, restaurants or businesses throw out. In order not keep normal people from throwing up a little bit, the Freegans call this practice “urban foraging” instead of what it is. Dumpster Diving.

Let me just say this. At night, you aren’t going to find anything good inside or outside a dumpster in a Chicago alley and the thought of anyone wanting to eat food out of a stinking garbage bin that has probably contained rats, dirty diapers, hobos, maggots and a dead body or two is enough to make me want to heave.

Maybe, since it’s getting thrown out anyway, they could just ask if they could have this stuff before it’s put in the dumpster? Call me crazy. It’s just an idea.

One gal and her roommates even offered up their Dumpster Stir Fry recipe! Ready in a snap and served up with a simple side of botulism. YUM!

It seems Freegans don’t spend money on anything. They forage and/or trade for everything from clothing to office supplies. I’m not sure what they’d need office supplies for because most of them practice something called “Voluntary Joblessness”.

Don’t you worry that they have no income, though, because human needs are more important than abstract notions of private property. Freegans live rent free by squatting in abandoned, run down or foreclosed buildings!

I guess that explains why they have no qualms about eating out of a dumpster. They live in one.

But, I wondered, how do these Freegans get from one abandoned rat trap to another? I researched and the answer is hitchhiking. Of course! I guess it’s ok to use gas as long as they don’t have to pay for it.

I would have bet that serial killers would have already grabbed up anyone stupid enough to hitchhike years ago and prevented them from reproducing, but I guess I’m wrong!

Now, why didn’t I think of these things? Seriously, what is wrong with me, working for the man and getting trapped into buying a house, a car, food and gas when I could be a freeloader? Oops, sorry, a Freegan.

I think I’m sticking with Jessica’s tips.

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Win, Lose or Draw?

May 21, 2008 at 7:20 am · Filed under American Idol, David Archuleta, David Cook

I have to interrupt my previously scheduled rant regarding frugality (hang in there, Jessica, the post you are waiting for is coming, I promise!) because I have an important statement to make.

For the first time ever, I like both American Idol finalists equally.

Each of the two Davids sort of remind me of my two favorite performers, Bon Jovi and Barry Manilow. Odd combo, I know and I’ll let you figure out which one is which :)

For me, it’s a draw. I think David Archuleta is superior vocally, but I think David Cook’s style would appeal to a much wider audience and I think he has a much greater chance of success in the long run.

I’m just wondering why David Cook let David Archuleta blow him completely out of the water in last night’s show. It was weird! Cook’s been in to win this whole time. Why the sudden lack of gusto and boring song choices?

Yes, Cook’s had some performances that were much better than others, but last night’s show was by far his worst. Don’t get me wrong, even at his worst, he’s still damn good. That’s not my point.

Being “The Idol” is certainly no guarantee of success, after all. Many of those voted off in previous years have been far more successful than the actual American Idol of that year.

Could David Cook want to place second and not have to be bound by Idol’s contract?

Up until last night, I really thought Cook was going to sneak through the teenybopper votes and take the Idol crown, but now I’m going to have to give it to Archuleta.

I’m anxious to see what happens! Did anyone else think that David Cook’s performances and song choices were extremely odd at this stage of the game?

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I’m Diggin’ It!

May 20, 2008 at 1:15 pm · Filed under Hysteria Lane, front porch, house, landscaping

Yes, you’re still at The Rock Chick’s house! I just decked out my digs a little bit! Vote in my poll and let me know what you think! I also redecorated my X365 Project in a similar design!

I was growing tired of the dreary color of my previous blog template and since it was a classic style template, adding interesting things was either a pain in the @$$ or a non-existent feature. I’m still working on it, but I’m hoping build up some interesting additions to my online digs.

Why the sudden burst of creativity, you ask?

Well, not only have I been blog snooping, I’ve been busy peeking around Hysterial Lane looking at other people’s houses because I’m making a big change to my real life digs, too!

Last fall, JW and I had all of the bushes in front of our house dug out. They were a half-dead, unruly bunch of bushes that housed just about every wild animal known to the Illinois area. I was tired of having to fight raccoons to enter my front door.

But now the front of my house looks like this…


Terrible! It’s naked, the stoop is freakin’ crooked and my lawn consists of mostly dandelions and weeds since it was dug up last year to remove the enormous tree roots threatening to damage my underground plumbing.

Not only are we getting an entire new lawn, we’ve decided to add a front porch to the house. It will cover the stoop and continue over to the garage. I haven’t decided what I want to put on the other side under the larger windows yet, but all of a sudden, I’ve developed a fondess for solar lights and tulips. I don’t know why. I’ve never really been a flower person.

I can’t wait! I grew up in Chicago where everyone sat on their front porch or their front stoop on warm summer evenings and chatted the night away with neighbors. I’m sure that won’t happen here on Hysteria Lane, but it certainly will give me a better spying advantage. The only downfall I can envision is that directly across the street is where my neighbor, The One Eyed Jack (take that as you will), takes care of business in his car. Oh, well. I’m already used to his car rocking. Maybe if I sit on a glider chair it will offset the motion sickness I’m sure will probably set in.

I’m going to get a little side table and bask in the sunshine on my new front porch. I will not only read books, I will daydream and finish writing my book and some fabulous blog entries while sipping iced tea and rocking to my iPod. On my porch!
You know, in all my spare time :)

Even if I don’t get to do all those things, I’m totally diggin’ the idea of it! First things first, though. I definitely have some digging to do.

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