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Archive for June, 2008

I Can See Clearly Now

June 30, 2008 at 1:29 pm · Filed under anorexia nervosa, hospital, parenting, stress, trichotillomania

The rain has gone. I can see all obstacles in my way.

When I last posted, I was overwhelmed. My mind was in overdrive and I was having difficulties even doing simple tasks at work that I normally do without even having to think about them.

This weekend was a good for me. I was able to take some time to sort out my thoughts and absorb and study some of the information give to us at the hospital regarding my daughter. I’m “getting it” and I’m positive now I can do what is necessary to help her recover.

Sam is also making great progress. Her vitals are finally remaining stable and within normal limits. The only thing not returning to normal is her thyroid, so we will have to have some testing done on that and see what the treatment is, but things are on the upswing.

Phew.

Thanks to appropriate medication, therapy and eating, her mood is gradually becoming more positive and I’m seeing her choose positive stress coping methods. She has discovered (and destroyed) more than a handful of those squeezy stress balls and she has also learned that she enjoys the art and expression therapy they teach there.

She’s also been trying to win the mental tug-of-war that I was taught about last week and I have been doing very well holding onto my end of the rope and it’s working!

This time it was the laundry. I was told (firmly) that Sam needs to be able to stand on her own two feet and not be able to manipulate my sense of “mommyhood”. Sam’s excuse was that she didn’t know how to work the machines and was afraid to ask someone to show her.

Jump on in anytime, Mommy and do my laundry! Sorry, but it’s not gonna happen.

I said no because I get it now. This was less an exercise in doing laundry than it was a lesson to get her to ask for help when she needs it.

Yesterday when we went to visit and she was all excited because she had asked and successfully done her laundry before we got there. She was proud of herself. It was wonderful to see. Not many moms cry when their baby does their first load of laundry, but I did.

One small step for me. One GIANT step for Sam. All of this didn’t happen overnight and it won’t go away overnight, but I am seeing how small changes can make huge differences.

This afternoon I’m going to have another meeting with the medical team and hear about her progress. Then they said they are also going to work with me for a while because the psychiatrist feels that I have poor stress related coping skills.

I wasn’t going to argue with that but I was a little shocked that she would say something like that without even really talking to me. It seems she noticed something.

I have something called Trichotillomania, which is compulsive hair pulling. Depending on the level of stress at any given time, I either play with my hair or actually tear it out.

I know, I know, eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww.

Over the years I’ve tried many things to stop doing this. Medication, therapy, snapping rubber bands on my wrist, eating more bananas…you name it. The last doctor I saw said it’s an anxiety and impulse control disorder and while it leads to many bad hair days, split ends, premature grayness and general annoyance of people around me, it isn’t going to harm me.

Ok.

I must have been pulling my hair at the meeting last week. A vast majority of the time, I don’t even notice when I’m doing it.
Sam’s psychiatrist says that the hair pulling is not just anxiety, but self-injury and it’s really no different at the root than my daughter’s eating disorder. It’s a symptom of very poor coping skills and I have to work on that myself if I want to be able to help Sam.

Today I will start doing that. I don’t know how, but I’m feeling positive I can do it.

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It’s gonna be a bright, sunshiny day.

Finally.

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One Day At A Time

June 26, 2008 at 1:35 pm · Filed under anorexia nervosa, hospital, parenting

I haven’t been blogging lately. I’m feeling stuck between having a million things to say and not being able to get any words out at all. I have been taking life one day at a time lately because it’s changing that fast on me.

My daughter is still in the hospital and I thought she was doing well there. I have seen some very positive changes in just a week. I was relievedl until we had a meeting with the medical team that is treating her.

They asked me what I thought about her progress so far and I told them. Then they told me that my daughter is highly motivated to get out of the hospital, but not to actually get better and I shouldn’t confuse the two.

I don’t entirely believe this. Maybe I just don’t want to believe this, I don’t know. I’m beginning to see why they are saying this, but it doesn’t seem entirely true.

We’ve also been getting some “Parenting An Anorectic” lessons. Unlike the previous treatment center, no one here is questioning our parenting skills or trying to get me to admit I’m an incredible control freak that must hypermanage every second of my kids’ lives.

I’m so not like that.

But, they have been working with me on some of my personality/parenting traits in order to help Samantha. They insist (and even she admits) that part of her success as an anorectic is her ability to manipulate me.

I have to stop being so nice, sympathetic, empathetic and willing to negotiate in order to work out problems because I’ve learned, my daughter’s problem is totally taking advantage of me. The way I handle problems is fueling her eating disorder. There’s a difference between “mothering” and “parenting” and I am confusing the two.

You wouldn’t think that those are bad personality traits to have, but they are when you are dealing with something like anorexia nervosa. The nature of eating disorders is based on deception and after the lengthy conversation, I can totally see this and I can see where I need to make some changes in how we deal with this.

It’s not that my daughter is bad or deceptive, it’s the eating disorder that is. Again, I should not confuse the two.

I’ve been working on a plan based on the cognitive behavioral therapy they use in the hospital for when my daughter comes home. They flat out said “IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER ALIVE”, we have to have a concrete meal plan in place for her and there is no negotiating. If she eats, she can earn her things back like her cell phone, computer, visits with friends, trips to the mall, etc. If she doesn’t, she will have to just sit on the couch and watch TV with no physical activity at all.

Of course I want to keep my daughter alive. I’m thrown by the words, but I think I needed to hear them.

She knows I’ve been getting an “education” and yesterday was my first “test”. When I went to visit her she told me that she knows they’ve asked me to institute something like that for our household and she wanted me to know flat out that it’s not going to work.

My first instinct was to “mother” and say “Sam, we will keep at it until we find something that works.”

But, I didn’t. I stopped. I took a breath and said quite firmly…

“Sam, this is the way it’s going to be. You are going to do this and eat when you come home or I will put you right back to the hospital.”

It killed me inside, but I did it and I noticed something immediately. She backed down.

Normally, there’s a little debate when I say no to anything because, I realized, I don’t say “no” like I mean it. A million instances flashed through my mind when I’ve given in or negotiated something with her. That didn’t happen this time because I said it like I mean business and it worked. I think. I hope.

She will still be there for a while, probably several weeks, which will give us some time to make some changes here in the house and get our plan in full action. It involves some changes with all of the kids and the way we do things but one is willing to make the changes in order to help Sam.

This didn’t happen overnight and it won’t be fixed overnight, but one step and one day at a time.

Despite all of this, I’m still very hopeful because now I know there is something I can do to help. We got nothing like this from the first treatment center.

Thanks again for all of the prayers and good thoughts we’ve been receiving from everyone. They are totally appreciated.

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Build Me Up

June 20, 2008 at 1:20 pm · Filed under anxiety, gardening, hospital, power tools, woodworking

Buttercup? In complete honesty, I wasn’t entirely sure that a buttercup was a flower until I searched for a picture of one. I’m glad it was because it leads me into my story.

My daughter is doing better in the super structured 24 hour inpatient program at the hospital. She is eating, accepting treatment, learning some new coping skills, meeting some new friends and she is not unhappy being there. This is a HUGE relief to me. I feel like I can almost breathe again.

I am still feeling very anxious, though. The unit has extremely limited phone and visiting sessions and I spend a good part of the day worrying until I can just check in with her. Then, once we hang up, the worry starts all over.

My equally anxious hubby, JW, decided that we need something to keep our minds occupied. For all of our sakes. He’s a very wise man.

We’ve decided to tackle some existing home improvement projects as well as try to build some new things!

First, we finished the garden in the empty space to the side of my new front porch. I didn’t plant any buttercups (at least I don’t think I did) but I got several different kinds of flowers, some cute flower pots and we picked some gold colored cedar chips to accentuate the area.

I know, Home and Gardens magazine won’t be calling anytime soon, but it looks WAY better than the pile of dirt previously occupying that space. I’ve been watering diligently so I’m hoping the flowers grow a bit more because it still looks a little puny. This is my first attempt at gardening and those plants have been in the ground for almost 3 weeks and are still alive! This is a major accomplishment!

I also stained my bench!

It came out a little more orange than I envisioned. Maybe I should have waited and let the wood weather a bit before I stained it, I don’t know. I think it looks okay but it wasn’t the color I exactly had in mind and it’s a bit blotchy where it didn’t take as well in some parts.

JW and I had a lot of fun building that bench so we’ve decided to build more stuff. We found these plans to build an easy (cough cough- for who????) garden chair and while we were working, he even came up with a name for our new woodworking hobby!

e=mc²

JW says it stands for entertainment equals moronic construction squared.

You know, because there’s two of us geniuses at work here

Despite the periodic calamities, JW sort of knows how to use the power tools and I kind of understand geometry, so you’d think we’d be ok combining our skills.

We cut all the chair pieces as instructed and drilled the bolt holes. We were so careful and I double checked everything as we went and we were SURE that by last night, we would be sitting in our new “easy to build” garden chairs on our new front porch, sipping iced teas and enjoying the cool evening breeze after a long day of woodworking in the sun.

Yeah, not so much. We tried assembling one and the pieces don’t seem to fit together. I don’t get it. Maybe the plans are crappy, I don’t know, but I’m far too embarrassed to even show you what they look like right now.

We are, however, determined to continue to build ourselves and our patio furniture up, though. With any luck and probably a few new power tools, I’ll have a picture of our finished chairs for you this weekend!

Even if we don’t end up with anything we can sit on, we’re having fun doing it and it is totally helping keep our minds busy. I’m still too anxious to sit anyway

Ohhhhh and Jessica Morris…..I got my CVS card and I’m going to give it a try! I’ll keep you posted!

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It’s A Heartache

June 18, 2008 at 1:48 pm · Filed under anorexia nervosa, eating disorders, hospital

Yesterday I took my daughter to the level of care assessment to determine the best plan for her right now in treating her eating disorder.

We chose a different facility than the one we used last time. I had a bad feeling about the program we used last year from the get go and that never really changed throughout her treatment there. After viewing this other facility and listening to their programs and treatment plans, I can totally see why. It’s like night and day. My daughter and I were both pleased at what we saw and heard in this new place. We’re also much more informed than we were last year at this time, too.

Knowledge is power. I keep saying it and it’s completely true.

After doing a brief physical exam and speaking to her for a while, the counselor came back and said that honestly, Samantha needed immediate intervention and she shouldn’t even go home with me. She should be admitted to their 24 hour inpatient program right then.

I guess I wasn’t totally surprised, but I don’t think anyone is ever ready to hear something like that. I was heartbroken, but I know it’s the best thing for her. She will be there for sometime between 3 and 30 days, although, the two week mark is the most likely. At that time, she will move to a daytime program where she can come home at night and on the weekends.

I was reminded by the intake counselor yesterday that our situation is more hopeful than most because Samantha wants to recover from this illness. She admits and accepts that she needs to be in a program like that, which most of the patients do not I’m told.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was walk out of that unit last night. I looked back and saw her standing at the nurses desk with those beautiful sapphire eyes looking a little lost and scared. I lost it and ran to the elevator so she wouldn’t see me. The nice security guard at the exit gave me a whole box of tissues for the ride home. I needed all of them.

It’s the right thing, I know it and I can feel it, but my heart just aches and I can’t stop the tears. I need to pull myself together not only for Sam, but for me and the hubby and the rest of the kids, too.

I’m usually more of a giver, but I’m totally accepting any good wishes and “It’ll be okay’s” that anyone has to spare today. I could use a few extra.

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I Wood

June 17, 2008 at 1:21 pm · Filed under bench, home improvement

I know you’ve all been sitting on screws and nails, waiting to hear all about my first attempt at bench construction.

Well, let’s see. I wanted my finished project to look like this picture on the left here, only in wood and not a cartoon.

We carefully measured twice and cut once. Ok, sometimes we had to measure and cut several times because no matter what my tape measure said, the piece didn’t fit. I don’t pretend to understand it. Careful, JW!

Then JW used his new framing nail weapon to shatter some wood….ooops, put some pieces together, sorry. That nail gun scares me. I’m glad I didn’t hear about this poor guy’s nail gun accident until after we were done.

I was seriously beginning to doubt our completion of this project when we experienced severe difficulties in assembling the box portion. My husband and I are both intelligent people. You wouldn’t have known that yesterday afternoon. Finally, we assembled something that appears to be a box. From the outside anyway.

A few more cuts, nails, screws, a trip to the hardware store, a new high powered screwdriver (oh yes, the motor burned out on ours) and a rubber tree plant later, it looked like this!

WOW! We did it! It looks great from across the yard. If you get close, you can see that it was completely crafted by people who had no idea what they were doing. I’m very proud of it as a first try, but don’t worry Big BahUna, we’re not giving you up anytime soon

I did learn quite a few things yesterday.

2×4’s do not measure 2” by 4”. Why? Why would they call them something they are not? Had I known this, I could have saved hours trying to figure out why a 57” board attached to two 2×4’s would only measure 60” across.

No matter what project you do, it will require at least seven trips to the home improvement store of your choice. It is impossible to get everything you will need in one trip.

Something will break during your project requiring you to purchase additional tools in order to finish.

Plans are great, but why don’t they state in what order to assemble these pieces of wood or is this something that I’m supposed to just know or have learned in school? I must have been absent that day.

Before you leave the home improvement store, check the little tags on the end of the wood that state the size they are pretending to be, like 1×6x8. Don’t trust the sign above the wood in the store.

Those are just a few things I’m pondering today, along with some of the questions on my buddy Malcolm’s weekly trivia game.

All in all, JW and I had a lot of fun building this and laughing at ourselves.

Would I do another project like this? You bet I wood!

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More Power To Ya!

June 16, 2008 at 1:13 pm · Filed under Craftsman, Father's Day, Home Depot, bench, compressor, framing nail gun, wood

Did you all enjoy your Father’s Day? We did. Especially JW…he got nailed!

My dear, sweet hubby has an uncontrollable lust for power tools. He ogles at them, looking at them in stores and on the internet. If you listen closely enough, you can hear his inner “Tim The Tool Man Taylor” groaning that infamous grunt and screaming “MORE POWER!” Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Once he sees a tool that he wants, he is insatiable until it belongs to him and he can fondle and admire it. Which is fine except that then it sits in our garage…doing little to nothing, of course, because neither JW nor I really know how to fix or build anything. We could if we did. We have the technology.

When my friend The Big BaHuna brought a framing nailer operated by a very loud air compressor to our house to install the front porch and asked JW to fire a couple of nails for him, he inadvertently fired up some sort of leftover testosterone driven “man has to build” thing. I wanted to scream “NO! Don’t let him touch it!“, but it was too late and I’ve been hearing little except my husband’s almost caveman desire for this frightening tool/lethal weapon since.

Me want that, woman! Pound chest. Argh.

UGH!

“JW”, I said, “those are expensive and well, we don’t nail anything.”

He countered with a “well, we could if we had one of those!”.

It is hard to argue with that kind of primitive logic and well, JW is just so darn cute, I knew I had to get it for him.

I did say no, initially,just to throw him off track. I told him that I don’t even think The BahUna owns one of those and he actually builds things. JW seemed a little disappointed, but he semi-agreed with me. I decided it would be a great Father’s Day present. What’s one more unused tool in the garage if it makes my hubby happy?

Last week, while JW attended his conference in Orlando, I researched all about framing nail guns and compressors and while at Big Lots one day getting gardening stuff I saw a 2.5 hp compressor on closeout. It was a steal so I (pulled a muscle in my back) loaded it into the car and brought it home.

The next day I went to the tool section at Sears and purchased a Craftsman framing nail gun, nails and of course, the necessary hose on a little reel thing. The kids and I surprised him with it for Father’s Day and he was ecstatic!

You’re very welcome and more power to ya, JW!

I also got some plans for this planter bench he can build for our yard. I’m pretty certain you don’t need that particular nail gun weapon to build this bench, but I’ll be damned if that thing doesn’t get used at least once.

First things first, though. We had to get all of this assembled and operating. It only took the two of us 4 hours and another trip to the store for an adapter kit to get the thing working. (Why can’t they just put all the parts you need in the box with the tool?) That’s only because neither of us could figure out how to actually attach the nail gun to the compressor. Once we nailed it, though, were we ready for materials.

I then went back and forth to Home Depot three times to get the wood. I did learn that just because there is a sign hanging over the wood, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the wood underneath it is that size. I learned to read the little tags stapled into the boards and to write down the sizes I need correctly.

Knowledge is more my kind of power tool.

Right now, my bench looks like this. Not too comfy and inviting, right?

JW doesn’t have to work today so hopefully, but the end of the day that pile of wood will somewhat resemble this…

Only not so cartoonish, I hope

Apologizing ahead of time to Hysteria Lane for the noise, JW is now to be considered armed and probably very dangerous. Wood you please forgive me?

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Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue

June 13, 2008 at 2:37 pm · Filed under anorexia nervosa, body dysmorphic disorder, depression, eating disorders, hospital, therapist

Yesterday I received some very troubling news from my daughter, her therapist and her physician.

I mentioned yesterday that Middle Daughter suffers from Depression, Anorexia Nervosa and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. After a complete physical exam earlier in the week, several therapy sessions and my daughter’s desire to battle this illness, it was determined that she has unfortunately completely relapsed and will need to be hospitalized again.

She spent most of last summer in the hospital and I didn’t blog about it because I was having my own problems trying to deal with it. With time, though, I learned, too that keeping things secret is not always good. I have some great readers who I consider friends and I shouldn’t have to worry that my blog is always upbeat and/or RANTastic, right?

I can’t say I was completely surprised to hear this, but sometimes hoping that something isn’t so keeps me from accepting what I might be seeing with my own brown eyes.

I am so proud of her for coming forward and accepting help and so pained that she is having troubles. Eating Disorders are extremely difficult battles to fight and I know somewhere, Healthy Samantha is still in there not giving up and that is giving us all hope.

Still, it is incredibly hard seeing your baby struggle like this. My daughter is extremely attractive, intelligent and so talented it’s almost unbelievable. I’m not even saying this because I’m her mother. I’m so hoping that one day soon, she will be able to see herself the same way everyone else does.

My brown eyes are very blue today as I make the necessary arrangements. I’m so sad that somebody I love so much is in so much pain and there is nothing I can do.

If you pray, cross your fingers, keep good thoughts, wish on stars…whatever it is you do, if you could please add my Samantha to your list it would mean a lot to me.

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Hop, Skip and Jump

June 12, 2008 at 1:17 pm · Filed under IHOP, OB/GYN, actions, dentist, therapist

Last night a very odd thing happened and I’m asking for your opinion to let me know if I am overreacting. I admit, it’s a possibility, but I don’t think I am.

My hubby’s been away at a conference and I have been a little out of sorts. I also can’t really cook anything edible so the kids and I have been eating out. Last night, the kids chose IHOP, The International House of Pancakes. That was okay with me. I love having breakfast food for dinner sometimes.

The kids had chosen a large booth in the corner of the restaurant. We were just sitting, chatting and laughing at a story Little Daughter was telling about her mispronunciation of a spanish word, when I notice that Middle Daughter’s therapist and her family had been seated at a booth in the middle of the restaurant. It wasn’t really close to us and there’s no way any of us could have overheard any conversation occurring at either table.

Middle Daughter has Anorexia Nervosa and a Body Dysmorphic Disorder and she sees this therapist regularly. This is not a secret and I am very proud of my daughter for facing her problems head on and realizing that there is no shame in having a problem and seeking treatment.

The therapist caught my eye and I waved to her (because that’s the polite thing to do) and she waved back. But then she got out of her seat and came to our table and said that she would move to the complete opposite side of the restaurant so it would be less awkward.

WHAT? Like coming to our table and telling us she is moving because we are there isn’t awkward? WTF? Can’t she just say “Hello, nice to see you. Enjoy your dinner.” and go back to her table?

Middle Daughter told her not to move, but the therapist went to find the host and then moved her entire family to the opposite side of the restaurant.

I was taken aback. Why would she move like that? I haven’t stopped thinking about it since it happened.

First of all, your relationship with doctors and therapists is supposed to be confidential. By doing that, now I would think that everyone in her party knows that at least one person at our table is a patient of hers. Secondly, I don’t get why running into her in a restaurant would be considered awkward.

I ran into my own therapist one time at the grocery store. He was treating me for depression, panic attacks and trichotillomania and he didn’t abandon his shopping cart and flee to another aisle.

My dentist has gone with me to see Bon Jovi and he didn’t exchange his tickets for different seats because he knows I have panic attacks in the dentist chair.

Another time, I ran into my OB/GYN at a Mexican restaurant. The host had seated us right next to each other and he didn’t go bolting across the restaurant because he’s seen me delivering babies. He just introduced me to his family and we all just went about our business of eating dinner.

To me, mental illness is no different than a physical illness. Your brain is a body part just like anything else is and there certainly is no shame in seeking assistance from a medical professional for any problem, physical or mental.

I can’t help but be an “actions speak louder than words” kind of person. I’ve experienced too many people telling me one thing and yet doing the complete opposite and to me, the therapist hop, skip and jumping to another table made me feel like there was shame in the relationship my daughter with her. Perhaps I’m wrong, but that’s how it felt.

I was very upset over this and I think therapist’s actions were very disrespectful to my daughter.

What do you think? Am I overreacting?

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Wishing I Was There

June 9, 2008 at 1:16 pm · Filed under Disneyworld, JW, Orlando, lonely, marriage

The Rock Chick is lonely.

My hubby, JW, went to Orlando to attend a conference for a week. Even with the four kids and the entire Varsity cheerleading squad in the house making t-shirts, it all seems too quiet and strange without him here. I miss him and I’m totally wishing I was there!

I know what you’re thinking…”Get a grip, crazy woman, it’s only a week!”

Like my friend Lynette, I know there’s a lot of people who actually sigh a tiny bit of relief when their spouse has to travel. Her husband, Tom, is gone for three weeks on military duty and somehow she thinks of this time apart as a personal vacation or something. Not that she doesn’t like her spouse, but she really enjoys the little hiatus and the little extra freedom.

I’m not enjoying it at all.

I sat in front of the TV last night knowing that I could watch anything I wanted. No debating over what to watch on the big screen and the clicker was entirely mine! I scanned through a bunch of shows and realized that none of them were the same without JW making his faces when something really stupid is on the tube.

During CSI Miami, JW has to take frequent breaks out of fear his face might actually stick that way! He doesn’t even have to say anything. I can tell what he’s thinking just by the face.

Not only am I missing him, I’m missing his cooking dinner and his making sure there’s coffee ready for sipping immediately after dinner. I miss his remembering to feed the fish. I don’t have much success with things like plants or fish that don’t beg for food. Don’t worry, I set reminders to feed them. They won’t starve.

Yes, I’m missing him and all the little things and I admit it’s possible that I’m just a wee bit envious that when I open my door, I’m looking at the same old view of Hysteria Lane and The One Eyed Jack’s private (or not so) parts and he gets to see this!

Gorgeous, right? It’s magical. It’s wishing on stars. It’s Disney!

And me? Well, I spare you pics of The One Eyed Jack , but Hi Ho. Hi Ho. It’s off to work I go. If you are wishing upon any stars, please be sure include “snap The Rock Chick out of her funk”.

Ohhhh, and while we’re wishing, stop on over to Damien’s blog and wish him a very happy 39th birthday, too.

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Pomp and Circumstance

June 6, 2008 at 2:22 pm · Filed under Class of 2008, graduation, pomp and circumstance

Last night Little Daughter graduated from 8th grade! She made her speech as Class President and I couldn’t believe how poised and grown up she has become. I did videotape it, but unfortunately, the microphone wasn’t close enough to her mouth to produce intelligible audio and the people sitting behind us wouldn’t stop screaming for some kid named Xavier, so you can’t really hear her.

Again, just a reminder to the general public, when someone is performing or speaking and you are in the audience, you be quiet. I just can’t stress this enough these days.

The graduation ceremony was exciting and I did drop a few tears when my daughter’s name was called and she walked across the stage to receive her diploma. Noticeably absent from this years graduation ceremony, though, was the traditional precessional where the graduates walk in to Pomp and Circumstance.

Why? That’s one of the coolest parts of a graduation ceremony! They simply just had all 400 kids seated on the stage behind a curtain. No pomp. No circumstance. Very, very strange.

Here’s some pictures we took yesterday and some video of Erica receiving her diploma.